The Start Of Something Big (cont)

So it was agreed that I wouldn't contact her and that when she felt like it she would contact me, that way I wasn't annoying her. Well I figured I would hear from her more often then it turned out. I was somewhat annoyed at first, because once again, I felt as though I didn't do anything wrong, so why is she avoiding me like this. But I held strong, didn't call, staying on course with my growing relationship with God. Before we made this aggreement, I already noted that she was already dating other people. IT WASN'T EVEN 3 FULL WEEKS. So needless to say, that struck a heavy cord. Now that I wasn't looking at her profiles or hearing from her, my mind just ran rampid, so I tried desparately to keep my mind focus on God. For the most part it worked until I was simply flat out tired of reading and my praying practices weren't the best at the time, so elongated periods of praying never lasted long enough to keep my mind totally occupied and off of thinking about her. Then it finally happend.
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When we talked it was eerie to say the least. It was obvious this wasn't going to work. While I was trying my hardest to be a friend and that alone, hearing about anything involving her and another guy was self mutilation to say the least. On top of the fact that she obviously didn't feel comfortable talking to me because of her feelings she was trying desperately to let go. One thing lead to another and we eventually would go through of a back and forth of me wanting more and her treating me like I took her dog and punted it. As time went on, my depression made guest appearances here and there depending on her actions, and needless to say, this was one roller coaster I didn't want to ever be on or event think about riding again.

After one big bout with my depression I made up my mind that I'm going to focus harder, pray longer, and concern myself with staying as positive as possible. I acknowledge the hurt, accepted it, but tried my best to get myself focused on the future on what's in front of me. It was difficult to say the least, so I continuously asked God for help in getting me over this hurdle, and past this feeling. Well as they say, be careful what you ask for.

One night when I didn't have to work, I wasn't really feeling depressed or anything else at that point in time, it was a very weird feeling. It's like I didn't feel anything, which could be very dangerous. At this point in time I didn't really drink much, but I would smoke here and there only in social situations. But this one night, when I was all alone, emotionless, and just watching tv, the power went out. So I calmly lit some candles and had a very intense reading session and praying session and just conversed with God until I peacefully went to sleep. It really was a fulfilling night, but I had no idea how fulfilling it would until I woke up.

To Be Con't...